Absent Without Leave

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I sometimes have conversations with my ideal self.

"We live very different lives, you and I," I say, trying hard to keep the false drama from coloring my words.

He ignores me.  Hunched over the keyboard, he stares into the illuminated screen like a mage studying the fog, then continues typing.  He is lost in his story and I resent him for it.  He has no time for me, for lost souls with mouths full of excuses and hearts full of uncertainty.
"I suppose it doesn't matter," I say to no one in particular.

Perhaps I should offer a correction.  These interludes are not so much conversations as hollow soliloquies cast like spells into the discarnate air.

If he were to relent, to offer some breadcrumb of understanding, I might not feel so lost.  But his commitment is unwavering, his dedication pure.  When he faces an obstacle, he plunges on, undeterred.  He has no time for me and those like me.

I talk.  He works.  I think.  He works.  I breathe.  And still, he works.

It's one thing to know in every nook and cranny of my being that there are good reasons I am not accomplishing certain of life's critical pursuits.  Being OK with it is another thing altogether.

25 bolts from the blue:

Deirdra A. Eden said...

You have a fabulous blog! I’m an author and illustrator and I made some awards to give fellow bloggers whose sites I enjoy. I want to award you with one of my homemade awards: the Brilliant Writer Blog Award. There are no pass along requirements. This is just to reward you for all the hard work you do!

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A.T. Post said...

You been out of the world (well, the blogsphere) for a while, sir! How's things at your end? Lyrical prose as always!

Goku shrestha said...

"perhaps i should offer a correction " perhaps its time i should too :)

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